Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Overwhelming Thankfulness

I never expected on the day of our fetal anatomy ultrasound that I would leave my OB's office in tears and not drive home, but to a specialist's office. I never saw it coming.

I never saw it coming.

After the doctors told me what they were "supposed" to tell a mother who's child's brain was smooshed so badly that you would see much more fluid than brain tissue, I didn't expect Marlena to thrive and flourish, but she is. I never saw that coming, either. Life is full of surprises.

I never saw that coming, either.

I sometimes think, you know, I need to get off this high of feeling absolutely euphoric. I need to stop blabbing to the world that I am absolutely exhilarated beyond belief that my child is cooing, smiling, grabbing things, CRAWLING! Marlena still can't sit up on her own unassisted, but I feel that once her body weight catches up to her head size she'll be able to balance a little better.

No one guarantees a tomorrow. No one can guarantee that the rug won't be pulled out from underneath you at any moment. So I will continue to just relish in these moments.

And I am thankful. Oh, am I thankful as ever. As I tuck Marlena into her crib at night and see the shadow of both of us, together against the wall. I am thankful that there is a shadow of us. Together.

I am satisfied in all that you are, little one. It's also bittersweet to me, remembering your brother's milestones and great achievements that I was SO elated for him to do. I even CRIED when he took those first steps. I took for granted that he always would take his first steps, but I cried when you crawled, little one. You have taught me, that nothing in life is guaranteed. I love you and Vincent so much, from the bottom of my heart and all that I am, and your daddy, too.

I asked Marlena's therapist if she thought she'd be in "mainstream" school. Looking back, I don't think I should have asked. I'm so happy with my children and who they are. I'm sure mostly everyone has heard, "What you don't know won't hurt you." Well, I don't want to know!

Her response was, "We'll talk about it when she's three."

I will savor every moment with them both and try to focus more on who they are and not worry about who they will be in the future.

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